Little demons sitting on their cushioned deadlines in the back of my mind
hoping to watch me fall on my face as I break myself apart on a stage,
splitting open my personality, my hopes and aspirations
for all to see, even me, unsure what to express
my sanity breaks, my heart rips as it tries to understand
itself, as it tries to understand
these prompts, what these admissions officers
want from me, want to see as I explain
what matters to me and what books, historical figures, experiences
have been influential to my personality
all I imagine are a group of men laughing, judging
as they spread out my whole life on the table, reduced to eight pages
for an easy, condensed read
For months, I have locked myself in my white, empty room
deadlines and headlines floating in my head
along with homework homework homework.
I want these essays to disappear
I want to punch an admissions officer in the face
for forcing an essay on me in the middle of this mess called
High School
an essay that forces me to analyze
myself
not The Scarlet Letter, The Great Gatsby, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
I’m flying over the nest now as I blindly follow my peers into this
dark hole called the application process
I don’t need this pain
I don’t need to worry about what these admissions officers think
I don’t have to go to college. I could backpack in Europe for four years,
trying to discover myself, spending time writing a novel
instead of wasting that time in an institution
that tries to break me down like the Combine
so I can conform conform conform
becoming another lifeless robot with a white house, a job, and two point five kids
As I complain complain complain, cry cry cry
an essay—a decent essay—tentatively crawls out of my mind,
dragging along self discovery with it
realizations of the importance of my family just now reveal themselves
and just exactly why I love writing seems to make sense
and yes, I have succeeded
my personality has been condensed to eight pages,
waiting to be accepted
or rejected
ready for any kind of reaction
I am not just an accumulation of activities and test scores
being compared to other’s higher achievements, but I am an
honest, decent, optimistic person, hoping for a new life in a new school
In the midst of my hatred, frustration, agony, boredom, mental blankness
I find myself pressing
Submit
and the curtain falls in front of my still intact self.